When You're Serious About Kissing That Baby Body Good-Bye

I’ve always been pretty selfish about the way I live my life. And once something is important to me I’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen. Over the past decade or so, exercise has increasingly become the prime example. I hate missing a planned session and would far rather miss (or at least arrive late to) pretty much any sort of gathering or event if the alternative is skipping out on a workout. Before you roll your eyes at the idea of someone loving exercise so much, know this -

Okay, yes, I do really enjoy working out. Most of the time. I feel clean once I’ve done my workout for the day. Purified by the sweat. I know this might sound really strange, but when I don’t have a good sweat session I just feel gross and grubby all day long and a shower’n’soap can’t fix it. But there’s more to it than that. It’s about control. I have a deep-set (and I know, ridiculous) fear that if I miss a session I’ll suddenly lose control of my body. I feel fat and disgusting. I’ve heard it said that everything we do is motivated by either pain or pleasure and try as I might I just can’t work out which one drives me more when it comes to clocking off another sweaty hour or so. Either way, I’m generally pretty happy with the situation, happy to be that person. As far as obsessive habits go, it’s a healthy one and I’m careful to balance recovery exercise with the full-on stuff.

Obviously I had to loosen up the reigns a little during pregnancy, but the only thing that got me through was the knowledge that I’d be able to re-gain control the week, no the day, no the very minute after having the baby. I simply had to. Of course if you’ve stopped by over the past few weeks you’ll know that, for me at least, the post-partum weight loss game is not an easy one. I have nothing like the level of control I used to have over my body, although I am still determined as hell to get there. Inch by inch. And in the first few months of Alyssa’s life I followed my old pattern to achieve this – I really did whatever it took to get my workout’s in. Every day. Starting from the day I left hospital. A little excessive, sure, but it felt right for me. So I went to the gym at 6am while she was sleeping even though I’d been up most of the night. And if the early morning sessions didn’t happen then I took whatever opportunity I could to leave her with E or occasionally my Mum or her godmother for an hour or so while I took time for myself.

Which was all well and good while I wasn’t working, but I’m now back part-time and really noticing it. I never thought that one full day and two half days would feel like so much time away from my baby. I can’t stand leaving her in the mornings if she’s unhappy and needs soothing and it’s even worse if she is happy and wants to play. I feel like I’m missing out, and I hate it, I hate not being the one there for her even though she’s either at home with E or my Mum and I know she couldn’t be better looked after.

An unexpected outcome of this has been a shift in my approach to exercise. I’m still averaging a good 5+ sessions p/week, but there’ve been several recent occasions where I’ve skipped a workout (gasp!). Right now I could be training at the local gym with morning childcare – I’m not going to work until 2pm so there was plenty of time to make the 9 am-10.30 session. But 9-10 am is the most bubbly and energetic part of Alyssa’s day. I wanted to be part of it. And I wanted to be there for her, be the one to play with her and engage her, and then be able to get her to bed at 10 when she needs it rather than dragging it out until 11 or later after hitting the gym. And exercise isn’t the only thing I’ve been compromising in this way – there was a time when I’d never say no to squeezing an extra client into an already full day but this week I’ve gone the opposite extreme and cut out half of my big day. That sort of thing would have freaked me out well and truly in the past, but these days I seem to be calmer. Certainly not willing to relinquish control completely, but happy to change the definition a little.

And I wouldn’t say I’m anywhere near sacrificing my own wants and needs (and nor would that be a good thing obviously), but for a selfish gal like me this baby love thing is a bit of a necessary wake-up call I think. And what better reason to break some old patterns then the fierce and increasing love of your child?

Body plus baby? Easy!*

Kat

*(We hope)

Are you currently on your own ‘body after bump’ journey? I’d love to hear from you. One of my main reasons for starting this blog (aside from keeping myself accountable) was to form a community of like-minded women. Women who refuse to become a dowdy mother figure and instead choose to embrace their new role with the exceptional health and energy that comes from being in control of their body from the inside out. If this is you then make sure you drop me a line in the comments section below!

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